I got yelled at tonight. Not the type of yelling that someone does when you’ve done something to tick someone off, but the kind of yelling that was a swift kick in the pants about something that I’m NOT doing.

I probably deserved it. I needed to hear it. But it made me edgy and I tried to make excuses.

Nope! That didn’t work. I continued to get the lecture.

Now I know you are all dying to know what I did that wasn’t exactly right. Mary? Got yelled at? How DARE they?

Here’s what happened. Tonight my husband and I met out a friend from swimming and a woman I set him up with on a blind date. Lets call him Bill. If you read the entry that he dances to his own tune, then you’ve met Bill.

In my book, he’s a consistent and dedicated swimmer. The lecture was about the fact that: I’M NOT.

I miss practice. I get there a tad late. And, I miss practice.

I told him I HAVE A LIFE. I have a child! I need my sleep!

He reminded me that I have a goal. I want to make nationals. I want to lower my time. I’m pretty close to doing it too.

So, here I am at 3 in the morning writing about the fact that I got yelled at. And I think it worked. I know he’s right and I’m going to change my schedule around a bit so I can make the practices more often. I was going to about 3 a week instead of 4.

Earlier this week I dropped a note to friend who is an entrepreneur. He and his partner had a yelling match on the phone. I know them both well and they’re both working hard at building their business. They had a disagreement and I tried to help smooth over the conflict.

I got this email from my friend that I liked:

Mary: Thank you for your insight?.Every tree that yields fruit must be shaken to get the best from the top.

So, I thought about it for a while and realized that the conflict did shake things up. It got them both out of their comfort zone. It made them think about what really was the answer to their problem. Because they didn’t dance around the problem and play nice they were able to solve the issues more quickly.

I’m always the type that wants to avoid conflict. I think that a lot of people are like me. Its easier to talk things out than yell and get to the bottom line. But I see how that works.

Now I’m not proposing that anyone else should go out and confront anyone just to be able to yell at someone, but I do think that honest confronting can be exactly the thing to make someone step up to the plate, take ownership and pull their weight or change some sort of negative behavior. It’s sometimes quicker than having discussion after discussion. It’s certainly more memorable. And sometimes, it can get you up at 3 in the morning to blog about it!

But lets just SEE if it’ll get me out of bed for 5:30am swim practice more times a week! I’m betting on YES.

Mary Gardner, The Charisma Coach! is an Executive Communications Consultant and Trainer. She works with, coaches and trains individuals, sales teams, executives, and celebrities. She owned and operated one of the first coaching institutions on the east coast, CCI, in NYC, Philly and NJ. Mary has appeared on ABC’s 20/20 and has self published a book on public speaking. Mary is married to Sway and is mommy to Jeremy 5, and lives in Orlando, FL.

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Tonight I’m going out with two extremely impressive ladies who I am introducing to one another. They are both GORGEOUS, in their mid 20s and both incredibly intelligent. One is divorced with kids and is probably one of the most flawless and incredibly beautiful women I’ve ever met, the other is single and possibly one of the most fashionable and forward thinking women I’ve ever met.

One of these ladies I’ve been coaching for over a year, the other is a new client. I thought that they would really enjoy each other because they are both serious about their work, both make a lot of money, are very smart and they have another few things in common.

They FLIRT!

Okay, let me get one thing straight. Neither of them HAS to flirt. Men would fall all over either of them just because of their beauty alone. But they both have very outgoing personalities and are charming in addition to being smart. They also have ANOTHER thing in common.

WOMEN DESPISE THEM.

I know! Can you believe it!? Women hate both of these ladies because of their beauty and their talent. Not only do women despise them but they are torturous to them! They talk behind their backs, they spread rumors and they treat them mean.

CAT FIGHT, CAT FIGHT.. I can just hear all of you guys now! Oh PLEASE! I know enough about you guys to know that you have envy too, but you just handle it differently.. like try to injure each other on the basketball court, or kill each other on the golf course. Okay, maybe not as much, but men are naturally competitive and it drives you harder. You often feel you have control over your destiny since you are often judging yourself on your income.

Women? We get judged on our looks first, and THEN everything else.

The thing about both of these women is that they are some of the nicest people I know. They are fun and lively and smart. They are ambitious and they are interesting to talk to. I have enjoyed getting to know both of them very much and I just know that if women would take some time to get to know them, they’d enjoy their company. But instead, the women demean themselves by displaying raging jealousy and use up all of their energy in a negative way? instead of being productive.

Okay, let me address the fact that they flirt. What I’ve counseled at least one of the ladies to do is to be personable and friendly when work isn’t the primary focus, but when presenting to an audience, especially in a mixed group, professionalism is the best bet.

One rule of thumb: Don’t flirt at the office. Okay, if you do flirt, then just don’t flirt in front of other women. That brings up insecurity in other women. And DON”T flirt with another woman’s man when she’s there. That is the ULTIMATE “no no”!

So I have two challenges here for ladies. If you are beautiful and in business A) Be better than everyone else at your job. Come early, stay late and be committed to your company. If people are going to be talking about you (and they will) at least they won’t be able to say that you don’t work hard. You know that they’ll be saying things like that you “slept your way to the top” and that can be damaging to your reputation. So be the #1 employee in your department and do whatever you can do education wise to stay on top.

Next, be a supporter to other women. You are a target for hatred, jealousy and other women’s insecurity. Whatever you can do to pull women together or serving them will help women get over your major issue of beauty. If you are a mom and don’t have time to throw networking get “togethers”, then at least make sure you have a few female friends in your back pocket to commiserate with. I’ve encouraged these women to get on a sports team so they aren’t seen as the “pretty and successful” ones there. They can be sweating it out looking gross like everyone else.

“Although I bet these two women don’t sweat. They’re too perfect. You should see them, I bet they never have ANY problems.. I have had to work SO much harder than them and I never had anyone coaching me when I was THEIR age. Hmmmmph!”

Ooopss!! I guess I even have to catch myself at times. I remind myself that we are all on our own paths and that while beauty and money may make life a bit easier, they can make it a bit more challenging too.

And you knon LOVE a challenge!

For more information: mary@marygardner.com or Web: www.marygardner.com

Mary Gardner, The Charisma Coach! is an Executive Communications Consultant and Trainer. She works with, coaches and trains individuals, sales teams, executives, and celebrities. She owned and operated one of the first coaching institutions on the east coast, CCI, in NYC, Philly and NJ. Mary has appeared on ABC’s 20/20 and has self published a book on public speaking. Mary is married to Sway and is mommy to Jeremy 5, and lives in Orlando, FL.

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